Harry wants reconciliation with William, but sibling grief is standing in their way

A s a psychotherapist specialising in siblings and family dynamics, I have been watching with interest as Diana ’s life is retold nearly 30 years after her death , and what it reveals about the complicated landscape of grief, sibling relationships and the creation of memory. I have seen many times in my practice how sibling conflicts can arise over who holds the “truest” account of the person who died. When it comes to Princess Diana, the battle over whose version of her is the most credible is now in full flow, not only among her own siblings, but also among her sons. Earl Spencer ’s book and Prince Harry’s rumoured documentary are said to have been planned to get ahead of the thirtieth anniversary of Diana's death next year, and the noise being made by uncle and son is already in sharp contrast to the deafening silence of both their siblings. In his book, Charles Spencer chose to share some very personal details about their upbringing together, and I wonder how his sisters, Lady McCorquodale and Lady Fellowes, feel about their family laundry being aired in this way. Into their silence we can read wariness and reticence; there might also be resentment, a sense of powerlessness, and of filial pain being visited upon them anew. Harry and William were equals in their grief – but they seem to have processed it in different ways (AP) Of course, it might appear to them that brother Charles is displaying fraternal duty by avenging Diana's memory, or he might feel burdened by the responsibility of speaking up on behalf of their sister, and betrayed by their silence around her. However, there is also the not-insignificant matter of the money that is being made from this book, and the thorny question of the commercialisation of grief. It has escaped few of us that Earl Spencer’s book both decries the press’s treatment of Diana, but also monetises it. If a sibling is not consulted in the public framing of the person’s death, they can feel that their right to manage these matters privately has been infringed upon. This certainly seems to have been the case for Prince William, with regard to Prince Harry’s various pronouncements. I read many of Harry’s past actions – such as the Oprah interview and his book Spare – as not (misguided) attempts to communicate not with a global community, but with his brother and his father. To my mind, they were his “real” audience all along. It is tragic but inevitable that his desperation to be heard more by his brother has had the consequence of alienating him even further. Omid Scobie , who is often seen as Harry and Meghan’s unofficial spokesperson, says Harry has repeatedly sought reconciliation with his family, particularly his brother William, but that he has not received the reciprocal response he wants. This should come as no surprise, especially when you understand how the experiences of grief and loss can play out in families. Charles Spencer’s role at his sister’s funeral was perhaps a forewarning that he would be an authoritative spokesperson for her (PA) As with the Spencers, the division between who has chosen to be vocal and who has chosen to be silent is now playing out between the Windsor brothers. Prince William has remained strikingly taciturn about his mother’s death and the loss he has felt over the years, whereas Harry has talked about it in considerably more detail. Bereavement can feel disorienting and lonely at the best of times, and considerably more so when it happens so early in life. William and Harry’s experience of profound early loss will only have been exacerbated by the fact that it also played out so publicly. They are the only people in the world who know what it is like to be Diana’s sons, which makes their current estrangement so tragic. At their healthiest, family and sibling relationships are ones where we get to be known and share the uniqueness of our families’ stories and memories. In order for siblings to navigate these complex and sensitive moments together when someone dies, there is a need for great care for each other to accommodate different ways of processing loss and grief. If something is brought into the public domain, it needs to be done in consultation, so all those affected feel able to comment, amend, edit and be part of the storytelling too. Grief can fossilise roles, or it can be a moment to rethink and negotiate them. In the case of Harry and William, and their different approaches, it has simply pushed them further apart. I read many of Harry’s past actions as not (misguided) attempts to communicate not with a global community, but with his brother and his father Diana’s brother’s role was potentially foreshadowed when Earl Spencer was the one to deliver the eulogy at Diana’s funeral, while her sisters delivered readings. There would have also undoubtedly been gender norms at play here – a man’s word possibly seen to hold more gravitas than a woman’s – but the role of authoritative spokesperson for the Spencer siblings was taken on by Earl Spencer then, and he seems to have carried it thereafter, unchallenged (publicly at least) by his sisters. In their loss, Harry and William were equals: two boys forced to follow their mother’s coffin in front of the world. Almost thirty years on, they still live with the grief of losing her. Time does not necessarily make grief easier; sometimes it is only with distance that a grieving child, now an adult, can begin to understand the full complexity of their feelings. What many of my clients don’t fully anticipate is how the experience of grief and, in Diana’s case, premature and tragic loss, is often avoided in the early stages, and channelled into less devastating emotions, such as competition and a scramble for resources. Whatever more subtle messaging may have happened since then, Harry did state his desire for reconciliation last year (Reuters) For some, the loss of a sibling will inevitably lead to fights over wills, pettiness over funeral arrangements, blowouts over possessions. This is usually deflection, the understandable protective measures we sometimes take against deep psychological pain. In William and Harry’s case, their grief seems to also reveal pre-existing roles within a family, those that predate the bereavement, but can become accentuated following it. The more naturally voluble sibling is the one with the need to “talk it out”, using self-disclosure as a means of handling the loss; whereas the more introverted and private sibling by nature appears to be processing their emotions internally. Unfortunately for William and Harry, this is also a storyline which the public have deeply invested in. So the stakes feel even higher. That Harry will be doing a rumoured documentary to mark the 30-year anniversary of his mother’s death, and that Prince William will remain characteristically reserved, is a snapshot of the gulf that exists between them, anniversary or no anniversary. In Harry’s case, and I would argue as Spencer’s, it seems that speaking up is linked to a quest for justice, whereas for the more private and introverted sibling, public disclosure can provoke feelings like betrayal and violation of a family code. These differences in personality and familial roles are not problematic per se, but only if those differences can be acknowledged and accommodated and all parties feel seen and heard. In May 2025, Harry explicitly said: “I would love reconciliation with my family”, adding that he thought life was too precious to keep fighting. Now, Harry is in the UK and those close to him are saying he wants that more than ever, but in order for this to become a reality, both he and his brother would need to make changes. They may still disagree on certain key elements, but they would need to make an effort to empathise with each other’s positions. Harry needs to rebuild trust by no longer talking about family grievances in public, and William would need to make a concerted effort to understand Harry’s position and actions. They could even agree to park these differences for the time being and concentrate on their shared grief, take a beat to remember what they have in common. Children are also an incredibly useful neutral territory for siblings to come together over, so if they came together as uncles first, it could feel less fraught than meeting as brothers Reconciliation is not a singular event but a dynamic process that can happen over time; effort is needed on both sides. I wish them luck.